Fluid Dynamics and Savings Accounts

Point of reference number one: Laura, the co-leader of the trip I am on, asked tonight what we were learning. My answer was “fluid dynamics and saving accounts.”

Point of reference number two: My brother, Jim Ignatius, is a genius. I think he got the intellect of the family. I got the abstract picture-oriented mind and my sister got the motivated, realistic, athletic side. I adore those two. Anyways, Jim took a class a few years ago called “fluid dynamics.” He told me about it a few times and lost me within the first two sentences. Once again, I got the artsy brain, HE got the engineer brain. He didn’t like fluid dynamics, and I nodded in agreement when he said he didn’t like it. I have somehow remembered the name of his pitiful class.

Point of reference number three: I worked in Cripple Creek this last summer as a waitress. I loved my coworkers, and before I left one of my cook friends made me a CD. We had discussed a few times that I loved Jesus, and he wasn’t quite sure what he believed yet. On the CD he made me, there were a lot of songs that discussed spirituality. There were a lot of beautiful ideas inside the songs and I have the CD downloaded onto my computer that I took with me. One of the songs has a brief verse that goes something like this, “So if you love somebody, you better tell them so, you never know when they will go; if they love you back, just give thanks, can’t keep love like money in the bank.” Those lyrics have challenged and stuck with me since the first time I listened to the song two months ago.

Back to the discussion from tonight. I came to Thailand to serve the Lord, seek after His face and partner in digging out a deeper relationship with Him, while exploring and experiencing the country (And no, run-on sentences don’t exist in blogging, if you were curious J). None of the following have to do with banking or engineering classes, so naturally, my answers to the “What are you learning” question are very unnatural. But, they make sense, I promise.

As I said earlier, I never had a clue what my brother was talking about when he explained his “fluid dynamics” to me. What I do understand are dynamics. I was in band and choir enough years to consider myself a musician to some level, and dynamics are a huge part of music. And fluid, well anybody that is anybody understands fluid to some degree right? Everyone’s gotta drink water. I am learning that my relationship with God is, in essence, fluid dynamics. It is fluid like a river. Sometimes it is bursting, bursting with rage, with pressure, with joy, with peace, yes, peace can burst too. Other times it is slow, it is a trickle, it is dripping from point “a” to point “b.” It is fluid. Oh and dynamic. Dynamics are, in my opinion, the frosting on the cake in a piece of music. For those of you who do not speak band nerd, a dynamic is the volume of the piece. It changes back and forth and accents the piece as a whole in all the right places, in all the right ways. My relationship with God is dynamic. It is loud at times. The times when I am in a church hearing unbiblical preaching, the radar in my heart is going off and my insides are blaring. There are other times where I plea for answers, for clarity, and there is a whisper, “Take the next step Kelli, you know who I am, be confident in that, take the next step.” And then of course, there are the times where there is silence. I hate the silence, but I am learning the importance and even the honor of silence in an authentic relationship with Jesus. So yes, fluid dynamics.. and Jesus, the two do and can mesh.

Savings Accounts. I don’t really like savings accounts. There is never the right amount in there, they take away from what you get to spend on good coffee, and if you don’t put what you’re supposed to in there, you’re pretty much guaranteed to pay for that choice later. I decided I am going to open a new savings account when I get home, and when I get income, and I am going to name it “My dog.” Then, when I get a dog (for my graduation from Cosmo school), and my dog needs some food and maybe a collar, I can take some bucks out of that account. Genius right? I am my brother’s sister J. Anyways, back to spiritual savings accounts. I sat in front of my team and my mentor tonight and told them that I wish that I could put God’s love in a savings account. Sometimes, I have really bad days. Sometimes I hear lies about my beauty or my purpose or something that I lack confidence in, and sometimes, I believe those lies. On days where those lies become heavy in my mind, I would love to withdrawal some of that love that I have put away. On days where I don’t feel “enough” I wish I could withdrawal the exact amount of love I needed to fix the issue. But that is not the way love works, and that is not the way God works. Like the song that my friend gave to me, love doesn’t belong in a bank, it belongs on the tongue; coming out in words that affirm the truth in how people feel. It belongs on the hands of those that serve, that love in and through their service. It belongs in our hearts and overflowing in others’ hearts. I so wish that I had the control over how and when I “felt” the love of God, but I do not. I wish that He left me a trust fund of His love, and although that could be argued, it is far beyond my control. I do not control His Spirit inside of me, and I do not control Him. And the feminine grasp for control in me screams at that. The lack of control. The potential feeling of abandonment. The guarantee that I will end up in a place of desperation, depending on Him. As much as that is not my way, the way I would have it, it is His, and I can recognize that it is good, and it is right. So I guess it is more like gambling, a guaranteed win in the end, but an unpredictable journey. Who knows? Just not a saving account.

What I do know is that I love lessons. I don’t always love the learning process, but I love what I end up learning. I love that God meets us where we are, that I have a picture oriented mind and that when I pray, words and pictures pop up and suddenly things click. I love unpacking fluid dynamics and savings accounts. It is comforting to know that there is only one expectation from God to us, and that is that we believe in Him, that when He is down on one knee, asking if we will love Him back, we say yes, whatever that may bring. The rest comes, and He makes due to take us on the journey from wherever our starting point may be. You could say He uses His resources. I love the acceptance and creativity that I find in Him, and I love that I get to share these things. As always, thank you for reading, thank you for praying. This Jesus of ours, He is really something else; fluid dynamics and savings accounts. J