The Angels of BHJ

I love these little girls. I have been thinking about what to blog, and as I was hugging one of my best little friends, I knew that there wasn’t a whole lot more that I could be blogging about. The girls at this orphanage have captured my heart. When my team and I travel to other parts of Thailand and leave them for a week or so, I come back awaiting their hugs. I come back excited for the language barrier, as long as I can just sit and laugh with them. Fyodor Dostoevsky said that “the soul is healed by being with children,” and I think that is true. I have learned a lot of lessons in the time that I have been in Thailand, some of them fun and exciting and some of them difficult and requiring a lot of hugs and support. Everyday that I walk out of the guesthouse, whether my lesson be easy or my face be smiling, one or more of the angels of BHJ are waiting to share their love with me.

I haven’t spent a huge amount of time around children in my life. I babysat here and there growing up, but I have always been the young one. My two older siblings and their friends were the cool big kids and I was the silly young one that followed them around. Living with children is living an entirely different life. Living with children in Thailand is like living on the moon and hanging out with aliens, but in a positive way. I really feel like it is that different to me. But I love it. Going back to Dostoevsky’s quote, I really do think that their presence is healing. It is peaceful and light. There is so much brokenness and sadness in the world that we live in, and these girls have swallowed a good mouthful of that too, but still, their presence, the aroma they put off into the world is sweet and welcoming.

I have talked a few times on here about a little baby named “Lydia.” She was the first girl at BHJ to steal my heart and replace the empty space with fresh air and toddler hugs. She made the America fast (fasting media, comfort, regular tasting food and a dry climate) bearable. About a month ago, a little girl named “An Chili” re-stole my heart. I didn’t know I was capable of falling for another tiny infant baby girl, but apparently I was. She was playing on the slack-line that one of my teammates brought and wanted to hold my hands while she bounced on it. Her creative little mind started a tradition that would be carried out every night for the next few weeks. All the little girls would hop onto the slack line, the interns would hold their hands and they would jump on it and bounce and laugh. We started to add in the detail of them jumping off the line into our arms and about the time that our biceps were growing the girls were getting bored with the game, thankfully. Since that point, we have learned new games and new ways to connect and get the girls to laugh and have fun.

With that in mind, I wish that I could lend people just a glance of tiny Lydia, or sweet sweet An Chili. As I read updates of the world around me, I wish I could share the purity of the presence of these children, or ask them to give the sad and hungry people a hug. I have gotten to experience love in a beautiful way these last two months in Thailand. It has opened my eyes to a preview of parenting, an appreciation for my own parents and the parents around me, and the innocence of a seven year olds heart.

A blurb from updating my family

It's hard to capture the last few days without pictures or actually sitting there telling the story, hand motions and all. So, I wrote to my family, attempting to give a good update, and I thought I would share what I wrote to them. As always, I'm an honest writer. If you are offended by anything in the post, my apologies. I think details are important :)

" So my team and I just got back from the jungle yesterday night. We spent five days four nights in villages and backpacked from one village to the next. It was the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen, and I have lived in Colorado for 16 years, if that says anything. I am realizing that my words are not very beautiful right now, kind of chunky. We have joked around about how we are all losing our English and not gaining Thai in return, but seriously, I am losing my English, so bare with me :) Being in the jungle was the most extreme thing I have ever done. It was difficult. I watched bugs bite me at an incredible rate, a pace I couldn't keep up with in my attempt to smack them off. My team members and I walked through grasses that towered over our heads. I listened to the sounds of their "ouches" and profanities as thorns caught our skin. We pottied in little holes and I used my proactive the whole five days, getting water from horse troughs and buckets. It was gritty. We were warned that coming to Thailand would strip us of our comforts. Eh, yeah, you could say the last two months I have been stripped. The last five days has been like peeling potatoes, me being the potato. I have gotten to such a raw point of who I am, what I stand for, what is really important. I was standing in the thickest jungle I had ever seen, watching the bugs stick their little needle noses in me and holding my shoulders thinking to myself, "I have never in my life felt so white, or so uncomfortable." That was the low point of trekking. The high point was recognizing that I was uncomfortable beyond belief, and from that point on, having my eyes wide open. I learned so much in that jungle. I love being outdoors. I love silence. I love praying. I learned that I have arrogance in the things that I think that I know, and that I actually know a whole lot less than I think. I learned that I am a product of my country, a beautiful country, but a country that preaches tolerance and arrogance to all. But, the moment that I realized that I was and am helpless was the moment that I learned that I am dependent like no other on God, on community, and that I have no leg to stand on in judgement of others. I learned the beauty in living in a village with only 5 families making up the whole population of the village. I learned the value of connecting with people, even if it takes me being uncomfortable and laying down my pride, it was so worth it. I learned that family is even more important than I thought. That hugs can ease a shaky heart. That the story of Jesus digs so much further than a free ticket into heaven or the convenience of a good church reputation. Someone threw out the question of "if believing in Jesus meant you would go to hell, would you still believe in Him? Would you still recognize belief in Him and confess it even if you knew that it would land you in hell?" And frick, that's a tough question. I believe now that I would. Pondering that question was hard, and when I was honest, it was really hard, but at this point, I think my answer would still be "Hell yeah God, I love you with everything. I don't care what that means or what the consequence is, you're it." And Dad, no, I won't be doing stupid stuff because of my belief :) God also gave an instruction manual that encourages wisdom. But yeah, as for an update, this place has stripped me. And that sounds so terrible if the only goal I was running after was comfort, but I am going for the complete opposite really, I want God. I want to learn. I want to explore. I want to be realistic about the world around me and not live with my eyes sewed shut. And that is exactly what is going on. And I couldn't be more thankful. I am thankful more than I can express for your prayers guys, they are so important. This trip as a whole is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have never felt such deep appreciation for friendship, for words from the Lord, for creation or coffee or toilets with toilet seats and a flusher. Thank you for your love. Thanks for caring and for being and for loving God in the way that you do. Thanks for being an inspiration to me. For reminding me that Jesus walks the grounds of America too, no matter how much people insist on walking around with their eyes closed and their noses high. No matter how much people are a product of their culture, (I am so guilty of this), people have hearts and are so broken, and just freaking need some lovin'. Thank you for showing me that lovin' and even if you don't agree, nodding and supporting me. I recognize that I am a passionate 20 year old speaking with a very malfunctioning filter, and your love for me despite that is appreciated :) I guess it is hard to pinpoint one thing that I have learned, besides that it is important that we love people. It is valuable for me to actually choose God, even when it is not convenient. Trekking through the jungle is insane, and I miss you. That's what I have learned. If you are reading this, gol I miss you. Thank you again. I apologize again for my struggle with English."

I think that is the best update I have for now. I will post again soon :)

Literally just got back on to edit because my grammar was so bad. Ha

Fluid Dynamics and Savings Accounts

Point of reference number one: Laura, the co-leader of the trip I am on, asked tonight what we were learning. My answer was “fluid dynamics and saving accounts.”

Point of reference number two: My brother, Jim Ignatius, is a genius. I think he got the intellect of the family. I got the abstract picture-oriented mind and my sister got the motivated, realistic, athletic side. I adore those two. Anyways, Jim took a class a few years ago called “fluid dynamics.” He told me about it a few times and lost me within the first two sentences. Once again, I got the artsy brain, HE got the engineer brain. He didn’t like fluid dynamics, and I nodded in agreement when he said he didn’t like it. I have somehow remembered the name of his pitiful class.

Point of reference number three: I worked in Cripple Creek this last summer as a waitress. I loved my coworkers, and before I left one of my cook friends made me a CD. We had discussed a few times that I loved Jesus, and he wasn’t quite sure what he believed yet. On the CD he made me, there were a lot of songs that discussed spirituality. There were a lot of beautiful ideas inside the songs and I have the CD downloaded onto my computer that I took with me. One of the songs has a brief verse that goes something like this, “So if you love somebody, you better tell them so, you never know when they will go; if they love you back, just give thanks, can’t keep love like money in the bank.” Those lyrics have challenged and stuck with me since the first time I listened to the song two months ago.

Back to the discussion from tonight. I came to Thailand to serve the Lord, seek after His face and partner in digging out a deeper relationship with Him, while exploring and experiencing the country (And no, run-on sentences don’t exist in blogging, if you were curious J). None of the following have to do with banking or engineering classes, so naturally, my answers to the “What are you learning” question are very unnatural. But, they make sense, I promise.

As I said earlier, I never had a clue what my brother was talking about when he explained his “fluid dynamics” to me. What I do understand are dynamics. I was in band and choir enough years to consider myself a musician to some level, and dynamics are a huge part of music. And fluid, well anybody that is anybody understands fluid to some degree right? Everyone’s gotta drink water. I am learning that my relationship with God is, in essence, fluid dynamics. It is fluid like a river. Sometimes it is bursting, bursting with rage, with pressure, with joy, with peace, yes, peace can burst too. Other times it is slow, it is a trickle, it is dripping from point “a” to point “b.” It is fluid. Oh and dynamic. Dynamics are, in my opinion, the frosting on the cake in a piece of music. For those of you who do not speak band nerd, a dynamic is the volume of the piece. It changes back and forth and accents the piece as a whole in all the right places, in all the right ways. My relationship with God is dynamic. It is loud at times. The times when I am in a church hearing unbiblical preaching, the radar in my heart is going off and my insides are blaring. There are other times where I plea for answers, for clarity, and there is a whisper, “Take the next step Kelli, you know who I am, be confident in that, take the next step.” And then of course, there are the times where there is silence. I hate the silence, but I am learning the importance and even the honor of silence in an authentic relationship with Jesus. So yes, fluid dynamics.. and Jesus, the two do and can mesh.

Savings Accounts. I don’t really like savings accounts. There is never the right amount in there, they take away from what you get to spend on good coffee, and if you don’t put what you’re supposed to in there, you’re pretty much guaranteed to pay for that choice later. I decided I am going to open a new savings account when I get home, and when I get income, and I am going to name it “My dog.” Then, when I get a dog (for my graduation from Cosmo school), and my dog needs some food and maybe a collar, I can take some bucks out of that account. Genius right? I am my brother’s sister J. Anyways, back to spiritual savings accounts. I sat in front of my team and my mentor tonight and told them that I wish that I could put God’s love in a savings account. Sometimes, I have really bad days. Sometimes I hear lies about my beauty or my purpose or something that I lack confidence in, and sometimes, I believe those lies. On days where those lies become heavy in my mind, I would love to withdrawal some of that love that I have put away. On days where I don’t feel “enough” I wish I could withdrawal the exact amount of love I needed to fix the issue. But that is not the way love works, and that is not the way God works. Like the song that my friend gave to me, love doesn’t belong in a bank, it belongs on the tongue; coming out in words that affirm the truth in how people feel. It belongs on the hands of those that serve, that love in and through their service. It belongs in our hearts and overflowing in others’ hearts. I so wish that I had the control over how and when I “felt” the love of God, but I do not. I wish that He left me a trust fund of His love, and although that could be argued, it is far beyond my control. I do not control His Spirit inside of me, and I do not control Him. And the feminine grasp for control in me screams at that. The lack of control. The potential feeling of abandonment. The guarantee that I will end up in a place of desperation, depending on Him. As much as that is not my way, the way I would have it, it is His, and I can recognize that it is good, and it is right. So I guess it is more like gambling, a guaranteed win in the end, but an unpredictable journey. Who knows? Just not a saving account.

What I do know is that I love lessons. I don’t always love the learning process, but I love what I end up learning. I love that God meets us where we are, that I have a picture oriented mind and that when I pray, words and pictures pop up and suddenly things click. I love unpacking fluid dynamics and savings accounts. It is comforting to know that there is only one expectation from God to us, and that is that we believe in Him, that when He is down on one knee, asking if we will love Him back, we say yes, whatever that may bring. The rest comes, and He makes due to take us on the journey from wherever our starting point may be. You could say He uses His resources. I love the acceptance and creativity that I find in Him, and I love that I get to share these things. As always, thank you for reading, thank you for praying. This Jesus of ours, He is really something else; fluid dynamics and savings accounts. J

White Mochas and My Boyfriend

Have you ever taken a drink from a hot mug in cold weather? My first word to describe that is perfect, followed by calming, peaceful, and relaxing. I have come to realize that living overseas is uncomfortable. I do not mean that as a complaint, really, because I love it here and I feel alive here, but honestly, it is different; hot, humid, spicy and buggy. It’s something that takes some getting used to, and when you get sick of getting used to it, you dream about the comforting things in life.

I have recalled the scenario of a h

ot beverage on a cold day about 15 times in the last 2 weeks. Thailand has some fabulous coffee, but it is a different feel than, well, you know, the usual. Usually at this time of the year I am studying my rear off, outside of a starbucks or local coffee joint, bundled up and chugging down knowledge with a mocha. I have one coffee date set up upon arrival, and just that gets my heart pumpin'. What God has been doing lately is really sweet. If we were dating I would call Him the best boyfriend ever. I giggle at the discomforts in Thailand because I think it is an appropriate response; being angry will not change the situation and letting it stress me out or miss home doesn’t do anything positive for my psyche, so I giggle, and it makes it feel more adventurous. Back to my Boyfriend. He has been throwing these hot beverages in cold weather at me, not literally, but the equivalent of what that does to my heart, He has been delivering.

The first care package went a little like this: About two weeks ago my team and I went on a activity packed day with a touring company, you may have read a little bit about it in my last post. Part of the day consisted of an hour-long trek up to this waterfall. It was fun to be outside and hiking, and besides learning the difference between a jungle and a forest, we felt right at home. We hiked and wiped our damp foreheads and every once and a while, we would have to cross over the creek. There were adorable little bridges, made from bamboo and different wood, and our tour guide would offer his hand like a true lad to assist us across the creek. As sweet as that

was, I was boiling, so I just walked across the creek. It was flowing just fast enough that I needed to watch it, “it” being me not falling over, and the temperature difference between the air and the water was the perfect equivalent of a hot mocha on a Colorado fall day.

The second little gift was just as refreshing. When we were in Chiang Mai, the same week as the trek day, we decided to stay back at the hostel and hang out with just our team for a night. Now feel free to laugh at this. If the question, “Don’t they hang out as a team everyday and night” popped into your head, you are correct. BUT, we felt like we needed to avoid the world and be buddies. So we did. That’s the fun thing about being a big kid, living on your own, living in a community: you can make those decisions. At about midnight I remembered that the day before, a close friend of mine had been on my mind a lot. Those days of “having someone on my mind” freak me out. I always think something bad happened or they are lonely or I should be there with them. That’s the anxiety in me speaking, and I recognize that, so I prayed for her and talked about her a lot and smiled at the thoughts of her. I know that doesn’t really seem like a “gift” but it’s coming. So the day that I was thinking about her a bunch I wanted to call her, but I couldn’t because a lot of the day was planned out and it didn’t work out. However as we were hanging out as a family at the hostel, I remembered that I saw an overseas calling shop just down the street. Courtney (a fellow intern and great friend) and I walked down and chatted with the man that worked the overseas calling joint, and after a pleasant, semi-confusing conversation, I got in a little phone booth, on the inside of the store, and called that girl up. Hearing her voice was like stepping in the creek on our trek. It was needed, refreshing, and the catalyst for a deep breath and a few happy tears.

There are two more of these little, “love notes on the car” scenarios. They speak of the concern that Jesus has for me. That even though discomfort can “grow and stretch” a believer, and it has been, my Boyfriend knows the small comforts that I need, and I appreciate Him for that.

The girls at the orphanage are beautiful. That is something that will never change. They have long healthy black hair and dark skin to boot. I’m thankful for their ever-present beauty, because it is easy to see God’s fingerprints on such pieces of art. The hard thing about my darling sisters is that they speak Thai. The language barrier has taken a hold of our relationships and offered us something of a wall in the last week. Like we’re talking Great Wall of China status. We say “hello” and “how are you” and smile and hug, but we are desperate to go deeper. Speaking for myself, I thrive off of deep relationships. I love talking about things that matter, talking about what brings joy and what we hate and how we can solve “the problems of the world.” Those are fulfilling conversations for me, and I want them with my girls here. These girls have suffered a lot. They don’t have Mommas. Just that right there would be enough to break me, but it goes on. They live with 42 other girls. They deal with the regular school issues, bullying, not feeling pretty enough, trying to find their voice in the world. Girls juggling these things, not just here but in the states as well, they need some lovin’. They need conversations, in my opinion. Need to feel important and special and pursued. They need some large doses of Jesus.

My team, as a whole, has been struggling with this language barrier junk. We want in. I have found that throughout my walk with the Lord, it is in the times that I find myself walking in desperation that He moves just slow enough that I can see the tip of His robe as He rounds the corner. I see Him move. I get a glimpse of a realm that is above me, and it is cool. We welcomed a team from Texas on Sunday, and they are sweet as pie. If you don’t know this about me, I love southern people, so having Texans here is a blessing. But, STAYING on TOPIC, they are here, and the timing is impeccable. We are pooped, frustrated, and trying to push through the Thai language. They are fresh from the states, pumped, motivated, and ready to go. They bring a whole new and exciting element to the orphanage, mother and fatherly love, as they are adults, and gol, I so want that for the girls. All in all, it’s perfect. They couldn’t have come at a better time, and God could not have planned it better. Once again, mocha in the snow. My Boyfriend is the best.

I feel like I am bragging to go on much further, but this is the last one, promise. J My parents are two of my best friends. They are supportive, open-minded, and wise. I didn’t talk to them for about three weeks because they took a trip to Italy and surrounding areas. (Such romantics, I know J). On Sunday night, I realized how much I was missing them, I think I said a quick, “God I miss my parents” prayer and kept on. After dinner with the girls, I decided talking with them was a necessity, so I got online. It was about seven at night my time, so 6am their time. I thought, “Oh my Dad will be up in a half hour, I’ll just facebook until then.” False. At 10:00pm my time and after recruiting two of my facebook friends to call my parents we got to talk for a good hour and a half. It was like, ah, it was a mocha on a winter day. It was perfect. It was needed. I love my Boyfriend.

I’m off to dinner now with the BHJ girls, the Texas team, and my team of interns. Thank you for reading and thank you for your continued prayers. Feel free to put away a few bucks to take me out for a mocha in December, and I will tell you more J Love Kelli.